Just Rambling ..

Its nearly two years since my last blog.. why did I stop... I don know... as I din know where to begin.. I decided to simply talk...

It was during my last lap of my PG course that I realised I have to make yet another choice in life, the same cross roads that I seem to face each time I completed a course appeared in front of me again. This time with way too many paths and each with its own pit falls. Which way should I move? Take up the job that literally landed on my lap? Take a break, chill out and spend some of daddy cools money? Or study further, finish my Mphil and then plan on a PhD?

As going home meant loss of the well deserved freedom, an on the spot rejection seemed best, and till date I believe I did right. after two long years with my nose to the books,( ok, maybe it was not that bas but nevertheless, I did submit all those assignments on time.. almost ) I knew I could not stomach yet another year in college, maybe in a year or two when am ready... then again, maybe not... that left me with the job.. when fate knocks on your door and hands you a gift... I dint think it was wise to reject. Moreover, at that point, I din think anyone else would be dumb enough to hand me a job, till date I wonder why my current boss even bothered (something I should ask him at some point of time in life )

And there started my PR career, fresh our of college... the PG degree in hand, I embarked on the new journey.. that of an employed woman. Today, close to 9 months down the lane, I have come far..to once again discover new and more interesting facts about self, life and people in general.

“Self “ is an interesting jigsaw puzzle, as I try to figure out the answer to one question, I seem to find more questions to answer , a never ending game with self I would say. With each chapter in life I open, I learn something new. Some of the more pleasant discovery would be "I can cook", not just average and barely edible food, but above average and quite yummy food (even if I do say so myself, any one who has reached this point is welcome home for dinner :P) and some not so pleasant things (sigh) like I am very low on patience (then again, I think I knew that deep down) and the family bad attitude towards authority runs in my veins too (I had hoped this one skipped one.. alas)

Now people, I feel is more interesting than self. If self is a ..puzzle that I need answers to, then it’s the people that help me find the answers( at times it the people that pose the question too. To think there are others more interesting than self is at times a little hard to digest, but there you go.. self is just a small being, that in the over of scheme of life is just part of the whole ..

Now, I feel that every day is a cross road in life with multiple paths, a question paper with multiple answers, some which I wish to skip some i simply have to find an answer to, yet the roads I take all lead to more cross roads.. and that I guess is LIFE .... ..

The road is norrow and never been walked upon,

no guiding light to take a right turn,

oh help me stranger ,

be my friend

hold my hand , and help me cross

let me be,

keep me safe ,keep me still

for my life now, is just you and me.

Walk with me till the next crossroads ,

And help me choose the path to light

to home and hearth.

The one month in Times of India as an intern probably taught me more than the four monthChrist University as a student!! I am not saying that Christ ppl are not teaching us..oh no (they teach a lil too much if u as k me) wat am sayin us , TOI helped me getting to know Bangalore as a city....this is just the jist of wat i have learned

1. I am NOT cut out for JOURNALISM ...not because i cant write, or report or find stuff out.....its simply is
2. I panic if i think i am lost!! ...i totally flip if i am lost!!....but more often than not...i can find my way back...or to the place i am going to..but i still panic!!
3. The auto drivers here are major D**k heads..!! totally hate them..but they are a necessary evil
4. The bus conductors are nice..but if the conductor is a lady....as bad as the auto driver!!
5. The brigade road is the most interesting place to be on any time of the day..esp on weekend nights!!
6. I like to travel....even if it means i might get lost
7. I can be persuaded to dp an assignment over the phone if given the right incentive ...sue me!!
8. I love pears!!
9. the Governor is a nice old man..and his wife has flaming red hair!!
10. the food at TAJ is any day better than wat u get at the RAJBHAVAN...(and a journalist gets to go to all these places and more!!)

Mystery

I have always wondered, “is it me…. or “them”, but unfortunately, most people (read men) I meet, figure me dumb, silly, or plain stupid and the worst..shallow!! I mean yes I appear a little lost at times( okay most times) but hey I am doing my masters you know, and I have always managed to get over average grades( okay , average grades) and I have always managed to figure out which side of the bread is buttered!!!(And that, trust me is not easy). Now coming back to first impressions, let’s take the auto wala’s in the city. One look at me and they decide to give me a joy ride, the minute they figure out I have a brain and am not the kind they can flees(not that I have not been fleeced ) , they get upset , like it’s me who told them am an easy mark and I cheated them out of their money!!

Next lets take the shopkeepers..oh what a joy they seem to experience in trying to make a fast one over me ,which they wouldn’t do if it was anybody else!!! The minute they realize I am not falling for it..Sigh..Am in for the long sulky look (as if they r asking me “beta, y do u use ur brains” just listen and do as I say coz am a man and know better than you !! )

Well there used to be a time when this used to get to me..seriously, I mean..duh . but not anymore(evil smile) it is so easy to pull a fast one over these poor shopkeepers, auto wala’s, the random guy who is hitting on you, and yea even those close friends of urs (no they don’t fall for it always) with a silly smile and an innocent look which most buy even without me trying. And now that I have discovered this secret weapon( the sigh, a lost look and am oh! so helpless, please help me from the monsters of the world attitude ) life is a lot easier , I can even get a random stranger to cross across to help me cross the road…how cool is that??

But honestly, being an independent woman, there is only so much helplessness you can display, after a while its plain boring. The fact that I can take care of myself, the need to be taken seriously is in me. I wonder when people (read men) would realize, I give as much as I get (sometimes in the double) and that am not as dumb as I pretend!!!!

thoughts

The little disappointments in life are sometimes more heartbreaking than the bigger ones. When hopes are crushed I feel like there is no tomorrow. The desire to sink into a bottomless pit of despair is strong. To move on and to forget and forgive is indeed a hardship.

Does this show my lack of control over self and the, oh! So selfish nature I have? For if I can’t withstand a little set back in life, how will I ever overcome the bigger ones? Does this mean am ill equipped to face life and its bigger challenges? The thought that my life in the protected shell of love and warmth has not prepared me for the big bad world is quite frightening.

When will I grow up? Will I ever? Or will my life be but a series of heartbreaks that shall leave me shattered bruised ?.......

The first time you do something is always special, it may not be the best experience, but it will definitely remain in your heart for its the first time you did it

I remember the first day in school; I remember the rain, my new umbrella and the kind someone who walked me to my new class

The first big fight I had with my first best friend ever..it was over an eraser

My first dog..he was too naughty for my young mother to handle(my dog and me combined that is )

The time I thought my mom forgot me (I was in a big barrel of rain water enjoying myself but couldnt see my mom ) and that was not very pleasant I can tell you

The first time I saw my little sister and held her in my arm..perhaps the sweetest of my memories..she was so small and pink and cuddly .

The first time on a bicycle..the wind on my face. The triumphant feeling that i could ride on my own..

Dad trying to put me to sleep(around 3 yrs old) and I do remember walking away after I return the favor!!!...

Climbing trees..

Jumping walls (ooh ..mmmm..)

First bee sting (ooww)

First time I got caught for readin a novel during study time (mom was so mad at me ...)

The first crush…

First time in fornt of the wheels

First time behind a bike

the first drink

the countless first times I have had …..

we all have

makes me wonder …whats next, whats new, whats the next thrilling and new experience

life have in store for me ?

for this quest that keeps me going on those days that life seems too boring

those days when you feel you are missing out on

the memoreis of those first times .. even those second or third ones..

of fun , love and happiness......

J

Hope

To know that one has nothing more to hope for is quite disheartening in fact I will go so far as to say that the desire to do better too might die out. Then again a person with sense will realize that hope never dies. It lives on no matter how hard. A little knock and the subsequent fall do not mean that it is the end. The initial shock of the extinguished hope might be hard but then again it’s better to know the truth than to wonder and hope about what might be and what might not be!! If what might be or might not be does not coincide with what one wants it to be then the hope in self might die down. If one looks at the bigger picture it is better for the hope to die and then move on, for life, if nothing else is all about new beginnings. J